Friday, December 10, 2010

Camera Shy

You may have noticed that I haven't posted any pictures of myself, other than a few from race day. I have spent a very good part of the last many years avoiding being in front of the camera, using the convenient excuse that I am always the one behind the camera. Even at my best, I am not a photogenic person. My sister, on the other hand, never takes a bad picture - once, when she had mono in high school, she looked bad in a picture. To my knowledge, that had never happened before nor has it since. End result - I am more than a little camera shy. This makes me sad because I wish I had more pictures with my kids and not just of my kids.

I also have not been very good about taking self-portraits during my journey. It is always in the back of my head to ask one of the girls to snap a few, but I need a new battery charger for the camera, I'm too busy, they're too busy, blah blah blah and so on and so forth excuse-y speak. The truth is, I've been afraid to see pictures of me because in my head I always look better than I do when faced with a can't lie photo, and I've been reluctant to see proof that I'm not where I want to be or think I am. And that's ok, some people use photos for motivation - the pictures below sure motivated me to get off my ass - but I find they trip me up more than motivate me. Still, I do wish I had taken them so I could look back at some point and see the changes. I will make an effort to do that going forward, because I still have a ways to go. And I will make an effort to be easier on myself when I do look at the pictures, and try and quiet that ugly talk voice in my head.

So, without further are my before pictures. These aren't even of me at my heaviest - I will have to see if I successfully avoided the camera altogether during that period, or if I can dig up a picture somewhere. My family probably has some - I never even wanted to see them much less have a copy! These pictures were taken in June, and I think I probably weighed around 217. I had started dieting in January with a starting weight of 235 but then stalled out around Easter. My friend took these pictures on a camping trip we took and posted them on Facebook and tagged me - I promptly untagged myself, of course! I remember I had just gone to Target and bought some shorts and t-shirts, and was so happy that the shorts, a size 18, were a little too big. I had no idea I looked this bad, and now when I look at them, I want to cry. Not just because I am clearly FAT, but because I am clearly UNHEALTHY. It makes me sad that this is what my kids saw every day for many, many years - this is the example I was setting for them. But, I will not dwell on that because I am working hard on setting the right one now - I just wanted to post these as evidence of how far I've come!

Trying to put up a tent for the very first time. I think that's my "what now" look!

Next on my list, taking my measurements. Yeah, yeah, I know I should have been doing this all along, too. I'll post 'em when I got 'em!

Today I am grateful for:
  • my wonderful family - I would not be where I am without them
  • my garage - not having to scrape ice and defrost every morning is a wonderful thing!
  • discovering that I can run in the cold without crazy bad inner ear pain
  • the changes eating healthy has brought about - I never would have believed I would lose my taste for soda and crave vegetables
  • it's Friday!!!!!

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