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Friday, December 10, 2010

Camera Shy

You may have noticed that I haven't posted any pictures of myself, other than a few from race day. I have spent a very good part of the last many years avoiding being in front of the camera, using the convenient excuse that I am always the one behind the camera. Even at my best, I am not a photogenic person. My sister, on the other hand, never takes a bad picture - once, when she had mono in high school, she looked bad in a picture. To my knowledge, that had never happened before nor has it since. End result - I am more than a little camera shy. This makes me sad because I wish I had more pictures with my kids and not just of my kids.

I also have not been very good about taking self-portraits during my journey. It is always in the back of my head to ask one of the girls to snap a few, but I need a new battery charger for the camera, I'm too busy, they're too busy, blah blah blah and so on and so forth excuse-y speak. The truth is, I've been afraid to see pictures of me because in my head I always look better than I do when faced with a can't lie photo, and I've been reluctant to see proof that I'm not where I want to be or think I am. And that's ok, some people use photos for motivation - the pictures below sure motivated me to get off my ass - but I find they trip me up more than motivate me. Still, I do wish I had taken them so I could look back at some point and see the changes. I will make an effort to do that going forward, because I still have a ways to go. And I will make an effort to be easier on myself when I do look at the pictures, and try and quiet that ugly talk voice in my head.

So, without further ado...here are my before pictures. These aren't even of me at my heaviest - I will have to see if I successfully avoided the camera altogether during that period, or if I can dig up a picture somewhere. My family probably has some - I never even wanted to see them much less have a copy! These pictures were taken in June, and I think I probably weighed around 217. I had started dieting in January with a starting weight of 235 but then stalled out around Easter. My friend took these pictures on a camping trip we took and posted them on Facebook and tagged me - I promptly untagged myself, of course! I remember I had just gone to Target and bought some shorts and t-shirts, and was so happy that the shorts, a size 18, were a little too big. I had no idea I looked this bad, and now when I look at them, I want to cry. Not just because I am clearly FAT, but because I am clearly UNHEALTHY. It makes me sad that this is what my kids saw every day for many, many years - this is the example I was setting for them. But, I will not dwell on that because I am working hard on setting the right one now - I just wanted to post these as evidence of how far I've come!

Trying to put up a tent for the very first time. I think that's my "what now" look!

Next on my list, taking my measurements. Yeah, yeah, I know I should have been doing this all along, too. I'll post 'em when I got 'em!

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Today I am grateful for:
  • my wonderful family - I would not be where I am without them
  • my garage - not having to scrape ice and defrost every morning is a wonderful thing!
  • discovering that I can run in the cold without crazy bad inner ear pain
  • the changes eating healthy has brought about - I never would have believed I would lose my taste for soda and crave vegetables
  • it's Friday!!!!!

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