Sunday, September 22, 2013

That Time I Started Over...Again

It's hard when you feel like you are starting over...again (again, again). 

It's hard when you know the right things to do, but you stop doing them. 

It's really hard when you are doing them, but they stop working.

I've lost and gained weight so many times over the course of my life, and for the most part I could always count on the same thing less, lose weight. I wasn't ever much for exercise, but counting calories pretty much always worked for me.

Three years ago it seemed I had found the answer - EXERCISE! Who knew?? I started running and was diligent about tracking what I ate, the weight literally melted off. I lost 35 pounds over the course of about 4 months. I had fallen in love with running and exercise. I had become a gym rat. I was never going to be fat again! Life was good!

Three years later and I feel like back where I started. I am 20 pounds heavier than I was when I first started running. I am back to feeling depressed. I feel buried under the weight ~ once again it is coloring everything in my life, but most of all, my self-esteem and sense of self-worth. The worst part is that none of the things that worked for me then are working. I still run! I am active! I am no longer a couch potato, so why, whyWHY is the scale moving the wrong way!!

Well, a small confession. This has been a pretty overwhelming year for me. There have been a lot of changes, good and not so good, and I slipped into my old, bad eating habits. Sometimes it's just so hard to see past the instant good feelings a Twizzler or Hershey bar provide! So yes, I have continued to run and exercise, but I haven't backed that up with a consistently solid diet.

Another thing I've been struggling with is my health. My energy has been up and down, but mostly down, and there have been days I can barely get out of bed. For a long time I attributed it to my old companion depression, but lately I've started questioning that. As a result I've been educating myself, advocating for myself, and working with my doctor to better manage my hypothyroidism. I was recently switched to a natural thyroid supplement from synthetic, and I am feeling much better. I think there is still tweaking to be done, but it's made me realize what a disservice I've done to myself over the years by putting my health last and not questioning treatments or pushing to have my symptoms addressed.

My message for the day: if you are feeling crappy, advocate for yourself and if you don't get answers, find a new doctor! Luckily, my doctor is awesome and once I started talking to her, she listened!

All that said, it is tempting to feel like I am starting over and feel really shitty about that, but I know that I'm not really starting over. I am still running! I have resources for knowing how to eat healthy and finding great recipes to try (hello, Pinterest, I'm looking at you)! I am not giving up! I am moving forward! 

I know it sounds trite, but I need to keep reminding myself that life is a journey, not a destination, and I'm not doing myself any favors by refusing to enjoy it until everything is perfect. 

On the schedule plan, grocery planning, and my favorite part of the day...a trail run!

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