Tuesday, October 8, 2013

I Won't Let This Ruin My Day...

What I love: fall. The weather, the colors, the smell of burning leaves, running without feeling like I've gone for a swim in a pool of sweat, dragging the sweaters and boots out of the back of the closet. I love everything about fall.

What I don't love: putting on my fat pants and having them be...snug. And by fat pants, I mean the jeans I wore when I was at my heaviest. The jeans I only kept after losing weight the first time so I could take an awesome "after" picture - you know the one I mean, where you could fit a small child in your pants with you because they are way. too. big. Yeah. Those pants are snug.


I will NOT let this ruin my day. My weight is not what defines me. It is not what makes me me. I am more than just my pant size, and if anyone were to judge me solely based on that, I would have some not very nice words for them, so I think it's about time I stopped judging myself like that.

The past few months I have found myself slipping back into that anti-social, just want to hide in my house and not face the world, insecure, fearful person that I was years ago, because sometimes it's just hard to face the world as a fat person. I do believe a lot of it had to do with my depression, which I also believe was (yet another) symptom of my hypothyroidism, and with my recent medication change I feel 100% better. 

Still, I have to make a conscious effort every day ~ when I put on a pair of pants that are depressingly snug, or I look in the mirror and see a puffy face looking back, or I go to the store in my frumpy "comfy" clothes convinced that everyone is judging me, or go running convinced that the "real runners" are laughing at me ~ to ignore the mean girls that live in my head and concentrate on moving forward, step by step, toward my goals, and to love myself just the way I am.

I'm working really hard on creating the life I've always dreamed of. I left my job of nearly seven years (and its regular paycheck) to build my own business and do things that are meaningful to me. As a single mom, that was a huge leap of faith (also, maybe sort of batshit crazy?)! How sad would it be if I accomplished all the things on my "ideal life list" and still ended up miserable because the number on the scale or on the inside of my jeans was too big. 

No, I won't let my tight pants ruin this day, or any day. I'll just keep on kicking ass and taking names, thank you very much!

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